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critisising others

Modern psychology says that being judgmental toward others is a psychological defense mechanism: we reject in others what we can’t accept in ourselves. It’s an insightful discovery but I believe it’s a short sighted one. Our inner critic has much deeper roots, those that hide way beyond the ordinary observation of the ego mind. 

Ever since I was a kid I was known for having “a bit” of a wild temperament. Naturally, life was generous with painful but valuable lessons. After all, no matter how high you fly, if your wings are made of ego you’ll eventually crash hard face down into a big pile of cow shit. Basic laws of the mighty Universe.

In addition, my dad was a total ass to my mom. I mean, he loved her but his was awful to her. Imagine a young boy growing up watching all that and you’ll get a sense of the type of “manhood” lessons I was ingrained with since childhood. After going through all this trouble myself I now notice other men struggling to keep their relationships together, all due to their fathers’ absence of basic skills on how to treat a lady and accept her with all her strengths and weaknesses.

Anyways, if you love exploring your inner world like I do then you have also done some soul searching, drilling into the depths of your heart asking one simple question – how can I criticize less? And I feel we have to frame it this way because it would be virtually impossible for one (masterful in the art) to just  ‘stop‘ criticizing. Gotta be realistic, right?  After all, making a mere wish to be something completely different from what you were your entire life is as effective as drinking more beer for a hangover remedy.  What we need is a system, a process that will [click to continue…]

aggressive eyes

So you’re furious, I mean you’re really pissed… Now what?  Come with me to the dungeon of your mind where you find yourself absolutely livid, so full of rage you’re ready to explode and take everyone with you. Basically you’re Taliban, wearing an emotional suicide vest.

The Dawn of Madness

In this downward vortex you feel like you literally do not care about anything, like you want to annihilate everyone in your path, it’s as if tomorrow does not exist, nothing else matters, you just want to destroy your relationship, shatter things to pieces, you want it to be over with right now, right here. You feel violent madness rushing up your veins and it all feels super real, more real than ever, more real than anything else, it’s as if you’re in a trance, clenching to a profound sense of righteousness, burning to restore your honor. Like a spider you want to catch that elusive fly and suck its blood. And after you have drained every drop of it you’ll have your sense of easiness again, that revitalizing oceanfront breath of fresh air.

Tiny Moment with Immense Power to Direct Your Sails of Faith

Except, within that storm of delusion, there is a millisecond moment of lucidity. Someone is trying to spoil your plans of falling into the abyss of obliteration and remind you that you are about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life… It’s that tiny, drowned out voice inside your heart, that is trying to say, “What you really need right now is for someone to snap their cold, dry fingers right in between your two bloodshot eyes and [click to continue…]

guru with disciples

A Hindu saint who was visiting the river Ganges to bathe found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked:

‘Why do people shout in anger at each other?’

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout.’

‘But why should you shout when the other person is right next to you?,”  asked the saint. ‘You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.’

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.

Finally the saint explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small…’

The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper, then they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

He looked at his disciples and said, ‘So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.’

The story testifies to one key aspect about anger – it’s an alienating emotion which we can’t afford. Think about it… when we are angry we feel misunderstood and have a deep wish to be heard, but ironically, our tone of voice achieves the exact opposite. It’s a shame as we might be communicating a valid point but because we spit fire, our words close, instead of open, the situation to a solution.

It’s also quite evident that by shouting the person we hurt the most is [click to continue…]

rules for fighting fair

Sun Tzu, one of the greatest Chinese generals, strategists and philosophers believed that the supreme art of war was to subdue the enemy without even fighting. He said “To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.” Most of us would be [continue reading...]

Source: Vinoth Chandar flickr

Everybody likes to argue. People that don’t like to argue are either dead or in comma. The only question is what kind of fights do you like? There are people who like to fight and are willing to employ their entire God given arsenal of wits in order to arrive at their own version of [continue reading...]

Photo: Richard Upsur

Loving an angry person can be a daily challenge. Even worse, confronting angry people often creates an atmosphere that is hostile and distancing or punishing with aggression or cold hostility. However, you might have reached a breaking point and are ready to do a cost-benefit analysis of the consequences of your changing the rules and [continue reading...]


It’s 6:30 pm.  You’re finally home. Kenny G is “in da house” and your nose is in the fridge sniffing for something to munch before your lover boy is home from work. You kick back on the couch sifting through your mail when you hear those anticipated foot steps.  Only this time they sound more [continue reading...]

responding to verbal abuse 270

Sometimes good insights come when you least expect them and from someone who’s cutting your hair.  Anna is a lovely, collected lady.  Even though she’s good at it, she hates fighting. Her husband is the nicest guy to others, yet he is an Olympian in verbal abuse  to her.  He never misses an opportunity to [continue reading...]

above the clouds

Sometimes I sit here, feel life go by and think that it takes some fine balance to be authentic and in touch with who we really are and then putting on a facade and behaving in a way as to keep a daily job and make a living…  Sometimes it’s just so dang exhausting. What a [continue reading...]

why always angry and unhappy

Anger is a symptom. It’s a symptom that one of your systems is overheated. If you are always angry over things, it could be a signal that you are operating under a very high level of frustration. Your brain’s amygdala (center of all emotions) may be overstimulated from daily stress or emotional trauma in the [continue reading...]