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How to Neutralize a Nagger in 3 Steps

It’s 6:30 pm.  You’re finally home. Kenny G is “in da house” and your nose is in the fridge sniffing for something to munch before your lover boy is home from work.

You kick back on the couch sifting through your mail when you hear those anticipated foot steps.  Only this time they sound more like stomps. You hear cussing behind the door because the door and when he finally comes in he dramatically declares his arrival by slamming the door.

“Oh oh..” The cuddly bear that left this morning has morphed into a Lochness monster – again.  He has either been fired or gambled away his entire salary. In any case, you sense your night is about to turn into hell.  What do you do?!

My friend Catherine used to find herself in this scenario more often than she cared to admit even to her closest friends.  However, she knew I am “into this stuff” so she shared an interesting development in her life. You see, Catherine’s husband has a stressful job and has a tendency to bring his stress home and share a dose of it with Catherine during dinner.

She said, “The first year or so, I just listened and tried to console him.  However, the more I did it the more he nagged and complained. It became a habit for him. Eventually I got so tired, I started nagging in return, then we would argue, get into fights, slam a few doors and go sleep in separate beds.”

One day Catherine decided she couldn’t live like this anymore. She decided to do something about it.  She invited over five of her best lady friends for a “talking party”, think “Sex in the City” type of deal. She confided in them about the depressing issue and they decided to look for a solution but they didn’t have to wait long. One of them (Sofia) was a yoga teacher and declared she new just the right recipe on how to neutralize this nagger.  If you are ready to be acquainted with this secretive ancient Vedic practice then get your pencil out and make notes cause your life is about to flip upside down…

Sofia whipped out a caring but playful smile and started: “Ladies, when your partner comes home all angry, irritated and exhausted, it is imperative you don’t jump at  him with interrogating questions as to what went wrong, why does he bring this attitude home… or worse, start telling him about all of your problems too or  sticking some late bill in front of his nose.” Catherine said when she heard this she knew she was in trouble immediately as she was making these exact mistakes.  Everybody’s interest was peaked to the maximum now…

Sofia continued on to share advice from holy Vedic scriptures.  She said “What I’m about to share with you has been proven effective for thousands of year.  If your husband comes home drenched with negativity, here are three steps you have to take:

1. Ask him to take a shower. That’s right.  Don’t ask any questions, don’t comment, simply gently ask him to take a shower. He may resist but just tell him you care about him and it is for his own good.  In any case, do whatever it takes for him to take a shower. Water is a cleanser and it will wash away his most negative emotions pent up throughout the day at the office.  Worst case, drizzle a few drops of water in his forehead but only as a last resort.

2. After the cleansing ceremony make sure to cook for him something homey and offer him a delicious (and if possible beautifully garnished) meal. Yes this sounds like lots of work but hey, you want 20 minutes of work or a night of hell?  Whether he feels like it or not, have him eat something.  Be patient and don’t ask him about his day yet.

3. The first two steps will surprise him but the third step will blow his mind completely. Now ask him to go lay down and take a nap for twenty minutes or so. No matter what he says, he MUST kick back and just relax, ok?

You can put a timer on and be ready.  After 20 minutes pass, there will emerge a strange being through that door.  Gentle as a Teddy bear, soft as a bunny, a brand new man that you will be happy to spend the rest of your evening with.”

Catherine said she was excited a schoolgirl before a beauty pageant and could not wait to put it to use. Next time her hubby turned up at the door all worn out and about to unleash his nagging campaign he was greeted with this protocol.  To make a long story short, there were awkward looks, there were bewildered faces but as obedient patient, he blindly followed Catherine’s advice and went through the motions. Catherine could see her husbands face thaw with that shower, lighten up during a meal he enjoyed from porcelain plates and saw a big smile after he emerged from his 20 minute nap.  It all worked like a charm!  At the end of all, he simply, said “Honey, you’re a perfect wife. You’re amazing.”  Catherine said she then asked “Trouble at work?” and her hubby simply answered “Yes, a day from hell but I just figured out how to solve everything tomorrow.  Do you want to go to the beach this weekend?”  Catherine was on cloud nine too.

There you have it: Shower, meal and sleep.  The most primitive of all needs down our pyramid of necessities in life. Who could have known?!  I am imagining this would work wonders with any nagging, exhausted wife as well, perhaps even more than a man will expect… if you get my drift. 🙂

Now its your turn.  Try it and let me know how this worked (or didn’t) for you.  Share your story or insights in the comments.  Have fun!

{ 14 comments… add one }
  • confused December 30, 2013, 6:47 pm

    hi, I am a newlywed, I just want to share that my husband has asked me to treat him “like a king” for at least 3 hours after he gets home..he works from 2pm-11pm and before he gets home, the house is clean, I have already prepared his bath and food, on Fridays I would also dress up a bit to please him and I am always available when he needs me…most of the time he also falls asleep while I massage his legs..it worked…but lately he has asked me not to prepare the food or bath yet because he wants to lay down first…then when he wants it, he wants it right away, we had an argument when I prepared oatmeal for him cos he said he was soooo hungry and it was the only thing fast enough to prepare…..then after asking me not to prepare cos it “pressures” him to take a bath or eat immediately he gets upset if there is no food or bath ready when he gets home…..he drives me crazy…. and lately he manages to ruin MY mood once he steps through the door by treating me like a “maid” so I have stopped treating him like a king….oh and after ruining my mood, he just told me to get out around an hour ago (1:30am).. I have tried to be a “perfect wife”, other people think he is lucky to have me, after everything I’ve done for him he just doesn’t realizes it…now I’m thinking what is wrong with him and whether I will file for divorce or not…

    still I am saying this works…but it might spoil husbands too much…..

    • AM Tadas December 30, 2013, 7:25 pm

      Darn it, I knew when I wrote this article that this can be taken to an extreme. Your story proves it. Let me say this first, any man would die to have a wife like you, so your husband is sure lucky to have you. The problem is he forgot how good he has it and the fact that he asked you to get out shows he’s starting to act rather cowardly. You know its very hard to give good advice here as it is hard to see the full picture but a safe thing to do is not to create more distance by stopping your helpfulness “cold turkey.” This could create more distance between you too where he’ll just totally shut you out of his world and things will only go down hill from there on. If I were you I’d try to see what else could be going in his life that could warrant him to be so disrespectful towards you. It could be that he’s had it too good for too long and doesn’t appreciate it anymore or it could be that he’s losing interest in you now that the excitement of newlywed life is slowly dissipating. If you both recognize the latter to be the cause behind your cooling relationship a good thing to do is to discuss how to introduce a bit more spark and mystery into your lives again. Let me know how it goes. Much success to you.

  • mrs. Powerless January 4, 2014, 2:59 am

    Hi. I have been married about 2 years and I am 6 month pregnant… My story is that my husband has been violent since we came back from the honeymoon. His anger seems to always be trigger by stress about situations and problems he can’t control. After reading a lot of books about how to deal with someone with uncontrolled anger, I seemed to be able to avoid the weekly arguments. However, for the past 2-3 months he started to become even more violent. He began saying very offensive comments. He commented I was pregnant to one day collect child support, I have a pretty good paying job, I actually make more money than him. We are from a different races and he said racist comments about me and my family. In conclusion, either the pregnancy or work or lack of love just got him to be a very unpleasant. After the last time he began to offend me, I took all of stuff and left him. I told him, I was not willing to take this treatment, specially to protect our baby from his uncontrolled anger. The next day he texted me with a list of rules I had to agree with in order for me “to come back” I have decided not to go back unless he accepts to take help! I told him I would not get back with a mentally ill person unless he agreed to go to counseling. He completely ignored my request and asked me to send him the divorce papers. It has been 1 week since that text and he has not called me or sent a text. I still have hopes he will realize he has an issue and try to change for his family. however, I want him to make the first step to communicate with me so I can motivate him to change. My concern is that his pride may stop him from taking action and the baby will be born without a home! What are your thoughts? Do I have any hopes, without having to be me who gives in?

    • AM Tadas January 4, 2014, 12:55 pm

      Hi Mrs. NOT Powerless, I also saw your comment on Hubpages so I’ll simply leave a more detailed response here. As I’ve mentioned in some previous articles, many times anger is just a cover up for a variety of other things happening in the relationship. I’d need to get into your husband’s head to find out what’s really going on. One thing I know for sure is that his ego mania has no ballast now because he feels he “owns you” over those immigration documents (that you mentioned in another comment). I had a friend in similar situation as yours but she really did have a very unstable individual on her hands so she just suffered through it till she got her green card. But you’re pregnant so you’re in it much deeper than one could wish for.

      You do have a serious concern about his pride and not having a home, again I don’t know him so its hard to know how heavy is his conscience now about the whole situation; it can go any way but if you give in now and ask to come back then you’ll reaffirm that he has full control over your situation, it’ll be a free ticket to act however he wants in the future. It would be better if you stood your ground (if you can) and see whether he reaches out to you himself again with an olive branch, so to speak. He needs to know you can stand your ground. It must sit very heavy on his heart that his pregnant wife is all alone out there; the society you live in (guessing USA) very much frowns on cowardly behavior like this so soon enough the social pressure alone should make him act in your favor.

      Race is probably not an issue here, its more the cultural differences that cause friction. When he refers to your race he’s just stereotyping a certain behavior; don’t worry its because of his weakness and immaturity that he’s acting this way. When you make up, it would be great if you both had some heart to heart to try iron out the cultural differences, and keep in mind, while all cultures are wonderful and unique in their own ways, it is usually wise to adapt to the culture you live in. As they say “When in Rome, do as Romans do.” Less misunderstandings this way. 🙂

      I’ll admit your husband is acting immature and lacks patience but remember it takes two to tango. You can either argue back or simply walk away and go about your business. On the other hand, if you feel some of his words hold some merit then try to find your role in the conflict and talk things through in a loving way.

      Now if he really doesn’t come around and doesn’t want to make up, let you back in the house, and he’d rather leave you with a baby in your hands then find a good lawyer and sue his ass for alimony. A good imigration lawyer can also help you keep your status (if you can prove your marriage was sincere). Good luck!

      You can only hope that his family and friends or some divine power will intervene some time and help you bring him to his senses. Tough situation, hang in there.

  • confused January 25, 2014, 2:34 pm

    I started the “treating him like a king” thing before I came across this article, and I think your advice is helpful and will probably work for most husbands ^^

    Thank you so much for saying that he is lucky to have me…it lifted my spirits up a bit ^^

    We’ve just been married for 8 months and it’s already like this…after everything I do for him…he seems bored..frankly I suspected him of cheating on me, he asked me before if I would agree to having a threesome…I was deeply offended…and after he asked me I read about it and found out that I should play along with him and lead him to think that I would agree, and if he has someone in mind to do this with already then that’s a big red flag that he could be into someone else….so I played along and found out that he doesn’t have any clue how to start, and he kept asking me for 3 days and to make him stop I said I would agree if I could have another man too (we are both active Christians, we are each other’s firsts, the thought disgusts me and I would never do it…but I read it will make most husbands stop asking cos they do not want to share their wives) and he finally stopped asking me. Then he showed signs like dressing up better, working out more, keeping his phone from me nowadays, and he told me that there is this new pretty young 20 year old at his office, and on a separate time he admitted that he has a crush on her and that she has a crush on him too (he is pretty good looking…it’s not the first time that I had to deal with crushes on him, but it is the first time that he also has a crush on the lady…) but he said it’s just like a crush on a celebrity…and since then he has refused to let me come to work with him….(usually I tag along once in a while just to let everyone know that he is married to a pretty lady if I may say so…
    I modeled back in college,that was 4 years ago but I’m still pretty fit nowadays, he told me his friends at the office have told him that he’s lucky to have a pretty and smart wife…people say we are such a good match, that we look good together and we both couldn’t ask for more…but it seems like he is not satisfied!!!!he calls me fat and tells me I am not pretty..most of the times he’s joking, but jokes are half-lies…no one has ever called me names like that…and hearing it from my husband is just so hard to take….it’s affecting my self-esteem and my confidence…
    Then he bought a car…just out of the blue came home with a car last weekend…and not a practical car that we’ve always thought we’d buy, but a “fancy and flashy” car that’s not fit to our practical, and simple personalities… so I thought yeah he’s really trying to impress someone… thank God that he wasn’t…well at least I think (and I hope and pray) that he isn’t cheating on me…all the signs have disappeared, but he still can’t see how lucky he is….
    It was a Saturday and we dropped by his office, and while we were in the car, he got angry at me and shouted at me for things I have absolutely no control of…and nobody asks him favors but he goes ahead and does it anyway so to everyone thinks he is practically perfect and like he treats me like a princess and I am so lucky and I am not doing enough for him…but after doing those favors, he lashes out on me saying that I demand so much from him… so after he shouted at me I told him that wasn’t right cos I didn’t do anything to him, and he got something from his office and I took a walk to clear my head, after a while he sent me a message asking where I was, so I went back and the guard said he had left a while ago…so I went home by myself, and my mom called me saying my husband is at their house and he told them that he has waited for me for over an hour, called me several times and that he looked for me everywhere… I bluntly told her that he was lying, cos I was just less than 5 minutes away at the store where we always visit, there were no missed calls, and he could have easily found me…I told my mom that I was home and my mom told me that he was so worried and he rushed to leave when he found out that I was home…so I thought he would be apologetic…but when he saw me he told me I was selfish, and that what I did was wrong…
    I am so confused…cos he was the one who blamed me, and shouted at me, and then left me all alone…now I am the one who did wrong…???

    thank you so much for responding…I really really appreciate it…I don’t have anyone else to vent to…if I do tell someone, they think “I am not doing enough” or like the fault is with me… it’s just so hard for me because my family and friends think we are the “it” couple, cos he’s always charming and loving and extra sweet to me when someone is around…hard to tell them (or even to admit to myself) that I am stuck with Dr. Jekyll and Mr.Hyde…

  • confused January 25, 2014, 4:38 pm

    hello again..no I am really really confused…he did try to make up with me, I was willing to talk, but his ways are physical and really not apologetic at all…he just started touching me and to me that’s like “let’s just get this over by…” like it is all a game to him…in the past I have never told him no, and I usually can’t stay mad at him for a long time, I try not to let things remain unresolved before bed time…doesn’t work all the time, but now I just really don’t want to see him…
    I just went to our room to get my pillow (cos when we argue I am the one who sleeps on the other room or on the couch…yeah I have to do something about that…) and he tried to make up by being physically intimate…and I refused.
    After a few hours he was asking me to prepare cough medicine for him and when I just told him (over the other side of a locked door) where the medicine was, he couldn’t find it and I got our of the room to check up on him, but I still didn;t touch him or go near him, and he made me feel guilty about not preparing medicine for him (he’s a grown man and it’s just cough medicine!) while we were talking he said that I behaved badly, and that I need to say sorry, and that I took the side of the lady selling fruits…(first time I wrote here, he said I was taking the side of my cat who he threw out by the way, he even went as far as saying “just go and live with your cat” I was lucky to be able to find another lady to adopt my cat…) he keeps turning things around and it ends up that it is my fault and I have to say sorry first..in the past I would just say sorry to stop fighting cos it’s really just a waste of time…but now I think I do deserve s sorry for being blamed, shouted at and left behind… he was knocking (at one point banging) on my door, and I opened it just to make him stop..then he told me he doesn’t want to go to church with me tomorrow (ironically he is talking about going to Church while he is treating me this way….) and that I have no right to lock the door because he is paying the rent…I keep the door locked because he has a tendency to be physically aggressive when he is angry…I’m just protecting myself from possible physical harm…I think I want to move out or even get divorced…but it would be embarrassing for me and my family…really really confused…I would appreciate any advice or emotional support…

    • AM Tadas January 27, 2014, 11:32 am

      Hi, thank you for sharing so much of your life here, this is very brave of you. It is clear you are experiencing intense emotional anguish over the whole ordeal with your husband. From what you described your husband was going through a phase that some middle aged men are experiencing (mid life crisis). Read more about it somewhere online so you know what is happening. Very smart strategy about calling out his bluff on the threesome! This is a much more skillful approach than panicking or worrying about it. As you see yourself, the situation resolved itself quite well.

      To be frank, it sounds you’re going through a phase yourself. You paint a picture of relationship problems that most of us are experiencing in life. Yes some of the things your husband says and does are disrespectful and lack empathy but issues of anger, sex, and money are a part of every couple’s reality. However, you could be experiencing everything in an hyper sensitive way, making everything seem very serious and heavy.

      My advice for someone in your shoes is to do what I had to do myself – change within. There is not much we can do about behavior of others but we CAN change how we experience that behavior. Try yoga, meditation, inspiring books, all of that should not conflict with your Christian beliefs. God didn’t put us here without tools to help ourselves. There is a solution to pretty much every situation in life if we take a holistic approach. It just takes time to learn and apply ourselves. I can honestly assure you that if you take time to improve yourself your relationship will improve too. Your husband sounds like a reasonable guy, he’ll see the change in you. Most importantly, don’t do it for him, do it for yourself!

      One of the most profound steps anyone can take in this life is to take responsibility for one’s feelings. When we do – we’re in control no matter what happens, but if we don’t we’re always at the mercy of other people, events and life’s changes. Much courage to you.

  • confused January 31, 2014, 11:32 am

    thank you for responding…it’s not easy to share what I’m going through, but it is harder to go through it alone…
    I tried several times to send helpful links to his email, like tips for anger management (some of your articles even…anger management techniques primer was helpful for me so I just quiet down and breathe when he’s throwing a fit…), how to protect our marriage and understand each other more (like the 5 love languages..) but he doesn’t read any of it…nowadays when he’s angry instead of retaliating, I try to just walkaway, breathe, pray and go online and read about how to make our marriage better…and even when I do that he criticizes me, it’s like I cannot do anything right around him anymore…and when I try to talk with him he just tells me I am just using science and psychology against him….so that I can win because I am selfish and I only think of myself…so instead of talking it out he just says “ok you win, I lose, I am the bad guy, you are blameless, you are perfect, I’m sorry” really sarcastically…though I’ve told him several times it’s not about winning, finding someone to blame, and I never said I was perfect…and that when we argue, both of us lose..
    I think he has major unresolved issues about blaming and taking sides…when we argue, when I’ve calmed down a bit, I send him messages telling him that although I am angry, I still love him. He refuses to see a marriage counselor because he feels once we are there we will “gang up on him”….
    Anger, sex and money issues I can deal with, I’ve learned that yes they are all a part of marriage…but verbal, emotional and physical abuse should have no place in a good marriage, and I cannot and will not tolerate it..
    Last night he got angry at me again (cos he thinks I am taking the side of our landlord who asked me to tell him not to park our car inside cos there isn’t enough space) I’ve told him calmly that since he is my husband of course I will take his side…and I even apologized to him when he thought that I intentionally “take the side of other people”… We have both not been feeling well these past few days..and very early this morning he woke me up saying how come when he was feeling cold last night, I didn’t fix his blanket…I told him I was sleeping and I didn’t know he was feeling cold…(besides I was the one sleeping on the sofa, he was snuggled up and warm in the bedroom -_- ) he asked me to move back to the bedroom, and he woke me up again saying that I was coughing at him (my back was turned on him) so I got up and slept on the sofa…and every time I coughed I could hear him sighing out loud from the bedroom…then he got upset again and left for the office waaay too early, now he told me he isn’t coming home tonight…I am still thinking how he can argue with me and leave me at my lowest point yet…and now he tells me he’s not coming home…anyway thank you again for responding..God bless

  • AM Tadas February 1, 2014, 10:25 am

    It is too bad he won’t see a wedding counselor. Honestly, I think both of you would really benefit from seeing your situation through another set of eyes. What about if you each saw your own counselor? He wouldn’t feel like you are ganging up on him this way. You’re probably correct about him having major unresolved issues. One thing that is starting to emerge from your comments is that you might be attacking anger as a problem itself but I’d like to assure you that his anger is only a symptom of his inner turmoil. You will not find it productive by trying to reduce his anger, even he would fail if he tried. Think about it… anger is only an ugly had of a dragon. If he found someone wise to speak with he might be able to resolve his inner conflicts, frustrations and his anger would subside.

    If you only focus on his anger you might only create more conflict and tension because that which we focus on only expands, doesn’t it?

    I know how you feel because my wife is also as sensitive as you are. When she meditates, does yoga and reads good books (personal growth) she’s a whole different person. As a Christian you can do all these things. Not only it will make you feel closer to God you won’t sweat the small stuff and look at your husband’s anger in an impersonal, detached way. Remember it is YOUR mind that is experiencing anger and reacting to it. Work on yourself and things will change for you, this is much easier than trying to change other people, I promise you.

  • confused February 15, 2014, 4:05 pm

    hello again, and thank you for replying…I would like to share something we learned about and it was (hopefully still can be…) helpful for my husband and I…it’s H-I-T, and it basically means that our emotions can be affected, arguments can easily start and things can get aggravated when we are Hungry, Irritated or Tired…so it is best to avoid these, and if we can’t then we should guard our emotions and ourselves when we are in any of these 3 states…

    anyway, this worked fairly well for us…but I am now dealing with another problem..I think my husband seems to find enjoyment in embarrassing me in front of my relatives and my parents…the other day he embarrassed me by telling our relatives how much I cried when I found out that a dear cousin has been diagnosed with a condition that affects the brain…he was exaggerating and my relatives laughed and I just laughed with them to hide my embarrassment, they later admitted that they felt sad to know that news too…when we got home, I talked to my husband about it and said he shouldn’t have told everyone that I cried, and I even told him that frankly I cried more because of him (because I thought he was so insensitive to ask “so…is there any food for me?” just after I told him the sad news…I thought that was so insensitive of him….) a few hours ago we were at my parents and we were talking about finding newlywed couples at church to fellowship with, and my mom asked what advice he would give my husband said “don’t get married” we all laughed, but then with a deep sigh he continued, “seriously most of the time it’s better to live alone”….I was laughing when I said, I’m happy aren’t you happy? he said “and that sometimes you have to eat salty soup” (I prepared a lot of food, and surprises for him last Valentines, and now I find out that what stood out for him was the salty soup…at that time I admitted it was salty, but I don’t think my mom had to know that…) then it somehow turned into what I think is a “wife-bashing” session in front of my mom and within ear shot of my dad!I lost it when he said that I have a hard time letting go of the past, because so far I did not bring up anything about the past and I thought i was doing a good job of fixing that tendency of mine….so I told him to stop it, but he still continued until I was too embarrassed, and offended and couldn’t even fake a smile anymore…we turned to leave and my mom told me that he was just joking, that i shouldn’t be too sensitive…my dad said that same thing…so I felt like I was wrong to feel that way…and like they are taking his side…when we got home I told him about it and he said he too was dealing with the “trauma” from when I sent messages to his sister at 2am..I told him those messages were different and that I only sent messages when he was “acting crazy”, saying “just kill me”, telling me to get out of our apartment at 2am, and that he’s going back to his home country… and getting physically aggressive..and I stopped when he told me to..and I said I sent messages to his sister…to ask for help,support and to know whether my husband was like this when he was young…all the while I assured his sister that I love her brother and I want to understand where he is coming from….but what he did in front my relatives, and tonight in front of my parents was to me degrading, embarrassing, offensive and unnecessary…it’s like he wants to make them laugh even at my expense…and I do try to laugh along to hide my embarrassment…but sometimes it’s just too much….
    I know I am not the best wife, and I have a LOT to learn…but I don’t think my parents should know or even think that I am a crappy wife…

  • confused April 6, 2014, 2:17 pm

    hi there sorry to bother you again…my husband and I had an argument, I kept quiet and he was angry and yelled at me inside the car. so I cried and left him for 3 hours (I went to the grocery). I got back and he asked mt to sit down and tell him what happened, I thought he had calmed down, when he suddenly lifted my laptop (like he was going to throw it at me) so I screamed and hid in the other room. Then he left yelling that he will commit suicide. I tried to stop him but he was determined to go so I had to step out of the way and he hit our gate. I rushed to call him and he answered and yelled at me saying that he will commit suicide and that I should be happy now that I made him go crazy. I sent him several messages telling him to stop the car , calm down and come home.

    He didn’t come home and after 20 hours of panicking and worrying (he’s drove off angrily saying he will commit suicide…he’s a foreigner and some people take advantage of foreigners, there was a recent kidnapping nearby, anything could have happened to him…) I asked my parents to help me look for him. we found him at our first stop, his office, I went to his room and caught him looking at a woman’s picture on his company computer while he was on his headphone. He hurriedly took off the headphone and closed the computer window with that woman. I looked away disgusted and he said it was nothing. I asked him where he spent the night, he said he spent it at the office, I said the guard told me that he just came in this morning. He got angry and threw paper at his computer. We alternated between talking and yelling he pushed me away twice, threw a crumpled paper at me and yelled several times “get out!” and that he wants a divorce (no one was around but i still felt embarrassed) I rubbed his back at one point and he was still cold to me. He left and I prayed for God to help me love this person like how God loves us…because I do not know if I love this man and if I can still love this man….. after a while, I planned to go home alone, and very meekly said “let’s just go home”. We drove home and he lay on the bed. I lay next to him and I don’t know why but I hugged him and told him that i was glad that he is safe. he turned to me and I sat up and told him coldly that we will be roommates, and that I will not sleep in the bedroom. he agreed and said at least not for the night, I told him it might take more than one night and I just wanted him to be at home because I do not want to feel the guilt and the burden of having to tell his family that something happened to him while he is in our country…this is frankly true as right now I do not know if I love him and if I can bear his weird behavior anymore…….also we have no divorce in our country, and it would be shameful to my family, because if we do push through with divorce then it will be the first ever legal divorce in our family, including extended family, and it will surely be the talk of the town……also my mom, aunties and cousins all had to deal with more serious problems like infidelity…(my husband said he’s not interested in any other lady, and that if we do separate he would like to live alone cos he cannot handle the stress of being with someone…..) but they are still married to their husbands….

    I have tried to stay calm, but he did say hurtful words and I also said hurtful words but he provoked me and I’m only human….

    we got home he fell asleep and when he woke up he just asked me to deal with household chores…I mean….really…?I waited for this guy for 20 hours, no contact or word from him, I looked for him, found him, hugged him, convinced him to come home, and now this……he asks me to do household chores, or give him water, medicine, sugar….while we are arguing…………we fought about this a week ago, because recently the way he tries to make up with me is to ask me to do something for him!

    Also I am sick and tired of walking 90-99 steps out of a hundred toward him during an argument, I do try to change and do what he wants me to do (hug him when we argue…very difficult but I did it tonight), but he doesn’t do what he wants me to do, or what I ask him to do (meet me halfway when arguing)

    now he says that I should type in the other room because it is annoying.

    Please help me I don’t know what to do……….

  • Joy October 14, 2017, 6:05 pm

    I think when some men get away with bad behavior, they push for more. Taking a shower and a nap are all good but I don’t think he should be treated line a “king” without working for it. By giving him special treatment when he acts bad, guess what: you’re reinforcing bad behavior. Let him take a shower l, give him a bj, let him take a nap then ask him what’s for dinner or what he’s in the mood for and then have him figure out where he’s going to get it from. Men have got to work for their women or they lose interest. If he doesn’t or refuses to work a little for you, he’s not into you. And that happens a lot after marriage when women try to be perfect wives instead of the independent woman they were before. Don’t try to be perfect in any capacity and don’t let him get away with bad behaviour. You’re a person too dammit. Tell him that he needs to leave the negativity at the door or take a nap and that you are not an emotional garbage can. Some guys even come home after a goof day at work and dread home so much they get in a bad mood…probably because they’re now boring wife is waiting for them and they don’t feel like dealing with living up to her expectations of great conversation and communion after 8 to 12 hours of work.

  • confused October 27, 2017, 1:31 am

    hello,I typed my husband is a nagger and it brought me here..back here after several years..and I just read Joy’s comment,thank you for your advice

    I’d love to say my husband has changed but the only difference is I’ve had to quit my teaching job when I got pregnant..I’m now 5 months pregnant and my husband is still a nagger and he’s critical of me..He does work very hard and “treating him like a king” happens on his good days.. I just prepare his bath and a snack everyday and if he’s grumpy I won’t talk with him,but he still nags me and surge of hormones during pregnancy make it a lot harder to remain calm..

    The other night I shouted at him,but apologized immediately.He didn’t say anything,and the next day flooded my messenger with 100 negative text messages..and we argued through text the whole day.I was so stressed that I vomited at past 12am in morning..I hope my baby is ok..We have more good days than bad,and no other issues,but when it’s bad he’s a non stop nagger who’s critical of everything..ad he makes me feel like I can’t do anything right and that I’m worthless..

    ..Now thinking of leaving him cos he acts more like a parent than a partner (my parents were not naggers by the way), he won’t accept that he has a problem,he’s not open to counselling or seeking advice cis he thinks nothing is wrong with him and he blames everything on me..I don’t want my kids to experience what I’ve gone through the last 5 years..thank you for your support.

  • Joy July 13, 2018, 4:13 am

    I hope that all these women left their spouses. I really wish they realize their worth and that they don’t have to prove themselves to these selfish acting significant others. Step away. Please Leave. The more you stay and try to fix things it seems the more these men take advantage and act worse.I feel that for both parties it’s best. If you stay, it appears the other person feels what they are doing is ok. You all tried and gave your love and effort and they proven to be even more jerks. Leave. And I pray that everyone – even the ones acting like jerks, find their way, resolve their issues and have great lives.

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